NO JOKE....the day Kase was officially done with school was the second happiest day of my life! The first being the day I married him, of course :)
DONE. That's it. No more. FINALLY! After 7+ years, he got his bachelors! I'm glad he took the scenic route through college, because then he was around to date me :) And his track record of being in the BYU football team, along with all his athleticism that he kept up was all just part of the scheme that made me fall for him. Without all of that, this relationship wouldn't be. I know that. And I'm so grateful for it!
Another thing this demonstrates is Kase's desire to go against the norm and make his own path. Because he always makes a "good" path, I am very attracted to this. He does what is right, even when no one else is. Peer pressure is not really an issue for him. He doesn't care about what others have to say about him. It's difficult to offend him. My dad is very much the same way. We like to say they live in their own little world. And they do. Huge blessing when it comes to living the Gospel and being successful in achieving goals when it is difficult. Not that other peer's decisions around him were necessarily bad, I'm just emphasizing that no matter what the topic, Kase is good at doing what's right regardless of what those around him are doing. Huge blessing. I wouldn't have it any other way. I really wouldn't. We all know that our strengths are also our weaknesses. This could be considered one of those examples.
He apparently did too many internships in college to realize that real learning goes on outside of the classroom. So true. Even with an education degree, I would agree with that. Luckily he still "jumped through hoops" to get a degree because he recognizes the world values it. But it took so long because of this reason. And starting a full-time job that you would typically need a degree for, before he got his degree, probably didn't help. But we did it. He did it. SO HAPPY!
It was not fun for either of us that he would have to come home after work and do homework. It was his first experience with a full-time job, and then he had to come home to homework. Bummer. It was a job he really enjoyed, but it's hard to see that when you have to come home and hit the books. And on Freshman English, of all subjects. Economics & Freshman English. So there was a lot of complaining and not fun times. I think I summed up his struggle with this whole degree thing. He worked hard all day and had to come to do more. It seemed useless and stupid. He was just doing it for the "system" that he doesn't believe in. It was harder to find time and motivation than he was anticipating. Not fun. No life. Killer.
I had a difficult time with all of this as well, for multiple reasons. It's a good thing I'm writing this after the fact, as it's not fresh on my memory :) For history's sake, I think I should record it. I'll try to do so in a mild way. And let me add the buffer that I'm going to mention some of my thoughts, not always reality. So it's probably a little on the dramatic side. Take it for what it is :)
1) The biggest thing probably being that for some reason, in Kase's mind he was only finishing school for me. My sake. So I basically took the blame for it all. I'm not sure why he had that mindset. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that he was never ever pressured to finish college (or do anything while he was in college, for that matter) by anything or anyone besides himself. So he felt pressure, being married. He felt pressure to perform. To provide. And to do it the way I expected him to (and the way he expected himself to). I think he just has an automatic turn off button when he feels forced into something he didn't chose (although he did chose it....but he "chose" it because he was married). Maybe he felt forced into it. But because he would've done things differently had he not been married (he mentioned this multiple times), it then became my fault. Interesting thought process. But when you're not used to having to think about someone else and how your decisions affect them, I can see that. The world suddenly changes when you get married. A lot. So this is how it changed for him - pressure.
There were just a lot of comments like, "I'm doing homework my for you," and "We're not "allowed" to do that because you want me to study," and so on. I couldn't grasp my mind around it. Yes, I did help him plan out his graduation schedule so he would graduate when he told Gore he would. A commitment HE made. And it would scare me that he didn't do it on time, thinking he would get fired from this job he likes. And who else is going to hire him as an engineer if he doesn't have a degree? He could do other work until then, but really....? He actually told me it might be a good thing if he got fired so then he could focus on finishing school, haha. Not ok with me. Hadn't he always had the dream of graduating from college? Wouldn't he want to set a good example for his kids to continue their education after college? It doesn't sit very well telling your kids to graduate from college when you were so close and decided you didn't want to finish. Doesn't teach a good lessson for any aspect. BTW his answers to those questions were yes...for the record :) But HE made the decision to go to college in the first place. To attend BYU and to get a Manufacturing Engineering Degree. He also made the choice to go through college the "scenic route." He also made the choice to marry me. It was also him who didn't want me to work when we first got married, therefore causing us to run out of money and needing him to get a job sooner than he actually graduated. HE also signed a contract with Gore saying he would graduate by August. So that was difficult for me, just thinking, "So, tell me again how all these decisions that you have made are suddenly my fault?" I don't think these were bad decision by any means. Many of them were WONDERFUL decisions! I supported him in these decisions (that I was a part of) and I wouldn't have married him if he hadn't made some of these decisions in his life. We made some of these together, yes, but let's be honest - I usually just support him in the decisions he makes. But he still made those decisions. And in no way was this my fault. At least that's how I saw it. So it was extremely frustrating for me.
2) Kase was quite the Preacher when we were dating. I'm the type of person who will only preach something I believe strongly in and/or have worked hard to cultivate and have seen the blessings in my life. Kase is the same, but I think I always made the assumption that because he preached it, he must have that concept/skill close to mastered, right? When we are in a normal conversation about a topic, then I didn't have that thought. But when he turned preachy, then I did. And he was very good at living by his preachings. There were times when we were dating that I would point out how his preaching contradicted his actions, and he would recognize it and "repent," not wanting to be a hypocrite. Well, being a "man of his word" and the concept of "a man only being as good as his word" was something he preached. And preached. He would also preach the concept of consequences to actions. But here he was, not being a man of his word. He didn't graduate when he told Gore he would. Not only did he give his word, but he signed a contract. And the consequence of having to come home after work and do homework must not have kicked in when he signed that contract. The consequences were rough and he didn't want to do it. I know life was rough, but it's called a consequence. And for some reason, the possible consequence of losing his job didn't bother him, and I think he partially figured it wouldn't happen as long as he was working towards it. So that bothered me, thinking I didn't marry the man I dated. He changed. He was going downhill. And that's a scary thought.
In his defense, he learned to be much more careful about what he agrees to do. He realized he took on a task larger than he could handle. Luckily Gore worked with us and were super nice about it. He felt bad and didn't want to not be a man of his word either, it was just a very large and difficult task at hand (maybe it felt larger than it really was, which would only compound the problem).
3) I thought he was lazy. I've NEVER thought Kase was lazy before. He is a hard worker, in everything he does. So why was this any different? He would talk about how hard he worked at work (and I didn't doubt that for a second....I KNOW he worked hard at work) and how I would be proud of him if I saw his efforts at work. I'm sure I would! But of course, we are natural men and only see what we see. I can't see him at work - I only see him at home. And at home he relaxed....and slept...and sometimes did homework. I didn't let him do the dishes (or anything else around the house, for that matter) in hopes that he would do homework. We needed his time focused on school and work - I could take care of everything else. Now I think I've just created a bad habit :( But of course, my thoughts are along the lines that he wouldn't have a job to work hard at if he didn't graduate! I tried to remind myself that in college, he never put all his effort into his classes anyway, so why did this surprise me? I guess I thought a switch would flip in his mind when it was DIRECTLY related to providing for our family. School is always directly related, but not sure how much more directly it could be related than keeping your job if you finish your degree. In college, whenever it came to him providing for himself (work, etc.) he was always very good at that. Seemed like he could get any job he wanted due to his resume & who he was. Heck, he even told Gore no one summer, and then after 2 weeks of working at McCain Foods in Washington, he asked Gore if he could come back and they took him. I've NEVER been worried about him as a provider. So in my mind, it looked as though he didn't care about providing, since both were one and the same in my mind. Clearly a very scary thought. In his mind, he just wasn't being a good student (which was normal at that phase of life) but because he performed well at work, he was a great provider. And you can see our dilemma...
But he had NO motivation. Zero. So therefore, why wouldn't he sleep in a little longer? When he got out of bed, the only thing awaiting him was homework. I didn't understand why he wouldn't just nip it in the bud and get it done. But I understand not having motivation. I don't understand it with this topic, but it's hard to get motivated when you don't want to do something. AND when you feel like it's not your decision. From this, I learned that Kase will get something done quickly when he is motivated to do it. But when he's not, it's like pulling teeth. I remember asking his mom how she motivated him to do things when he was younger that he didn't want to do. She said she would just threaten - saying that he couldn't go play until his chores were done. A story about that sticks out to me - when Kase couldn't leave the rug in front of the kitchen sink until the dishes were done. And he didn't want to do it. So he just laid down on the rug until he got the motivation or was sick of it, I guess. Haha. What eventually ended up motivating him to graduate was the fact that he was going to Toyota in March and didn't want them to do any background work and find out that he hadn't completed his degree. Once he realized that tid bit of info (I may have mentioned this to him a few times.... :) ) he kicked it into high gear. He had motivation. Note to self: Get Toyota involved?
Better note to self: find a way to motivate Kase. Threatening didn't work. It kinda did, but then I get the guilt trip. I'm not his mom - I shouldn't have to do that. I wanted to be a loving wife who was supportive. I didn't want to nag. And it got to the point where I didn't. Instead of getting mad, I would just get sad. Not sure which is better.
4) Kind of mentioned above - I'm not his mother. I don't need to be setting rules to get things done. I don't need to be pushing him to do something that he KNOWS he needs to do. But I didn't know what else to do. And because of it, I just turned into the no fun wife. I'm sure that was the wrong approach to take. In fact I know that, knowing Kase. I just didn't know what else to do. And he obviously didn't appreciate it, and just made it worse. So, another lose lose situation.
5) Like in any marriage, when one or both spouses aren't happy with the others decisions, it causes tension. Other things might get involved and snowball, even though it just stems from one problem. Intimacy wasn't happening as often as it should. If I'm having the thoughts I described above (which weren't always but often enough), the last thing I want to do is be intimate, right? Same goes for him too - if he's not feeling loved and appreciated in those ways, why would he be motivated to graduate (graduation was what I wanted...remember? :) ). Luckily I didn't have bitter feelings for the ENTIRE time he hadn't graduated, so I had to capitalize on those moments that I wasn't. I was very happy when he was doing homework, so of course I tried to capitalize on those moments as well to show him how happy and proud of him I was when he did do his homework. Hence why we may not be pregnant yet, ha.
6) I'm sure it didn't help that I didn't have anyone to talk to about the topic. I wasn't going to even start this conversation with anyone, knowing that I would start bashing Kase simply because there was no other way to talk about it without getting emotionally involved, and that's not ok. And there was no way in heck that I would EVER mention anything to my mom. No No. But I was so grateful that I had my Heavenly Father to pray to. He listened. He comforted me. He helped me see through Kase's eyes. He helped me be more compassionate, which is exactly what I needed.
There were other things I'm sure, and when I think of them I'll probably add them. But in a nutshell, it was not fun. If Kase ever decides to do more schooling (the thought at the time was KILLER), it would be purely his decision. I'm not getting involved. Therefore, I can't take the blame for anything, right? Luckily it's over, and I'm sure it will be a time we will reflect on and think, "how silly were we?" I'm sure I'll have that thought many times!
And the LONG FOUGHT FOR diploma!
Our best friends in Flag, the McCabes, took us out to Buffalo Wild Wings to celebrate his graduation.
So why would I ever post anything so personal? Because it was very real. It was a very real part of our lives. I would never just write about disagreements Kase and I have, or update the world on all of my issues (not like more than 4 people read this anyway, but just in case). That's not what this is about. I want it to be recorded so I can look back and think how far I and we have come. To learn from it. To have real struggles recorded. To remind myself that blessings can come from struggles. Maybe it will put other struggles I or we have into perspective. Maybe I'll look back and think of what a drama queen I was being, and to remind myself to just trust in Kase. It might provide helpful to one of my future kids who is struggling in their young married life. Who knows. But I think it will be beneficial. Not inspirational by any means...I'm not that type of writer. Just beneficial. So that's why I wrote it.
If my future kids ever read this, I want them to know that marriage is hard for anyone, no matter how well you are paired up. Even when you are married in the temple and you knew it was a good decision, marriage is hard. It's work. It's not always a bed of roses. Something my mom always tried to show us was that it's OK to disagree in a marriage. To portray marriage as though it's perfect without any problems would be setting your kids up for failure in their future marriage. I'm not saying you need to have open yelling fights, or that all discussions need to be had in front of kids. Absolutely not. But if you disagree about something in a conversation, it's ok :) and to show your kids the example of how to respectfully disagree is a great lesson that we use through out life, in and out of marriage. I know this blog post is more than a disagreement. But marriage is hard. So to my kids if you ever read this: chose wisely (like I did), and you'll make life a whole lot easier on yourself :) because I KNOW my marriage would be so much more difficult if I would've married anyone who is not at the caliber that Kase is. And in all of my dating experiences, I finally found him - someone I never wanted to let go :)
And the best part of it all (maybe this was the real motivation... :) ), Kase's graduation present!
He had been wanting cowboy boots for some time, so luckily I came up with the idea that he could get them once he graduated (especially considering how expensive they can be). He agreed. So here they are. And here is my studly cowboy! I was so proud of him...once he found what boots he wanted, he did some searching around for the best deal and because of all his efforts, he got them for like $50 cheaper than he would have. That's MY man!
No comments:
Post a Comment